It took me time to realize that when my partner and I were in an argument, due to my trigger, that I needed to stop thinking and stop letting my brain take over and instead let my heart take over. It knows what to do. The ego just wants to validate its existence. Any time you start to think about what to do, that’s the wrong place to start…what does your heart say? It’s the most difficult thing to reverse your course in mid-stream and say “I am wrong”, but my partner could do it. It would leave me grasping. My ego didn’t know what to do with that. So, I’d think of something that was sure to piss her off. She’d lovingly and peacefully hold her ground. She shared with me another term. It’s called “holding space”. It’s an agreement to do your best to project only loving thoughts to the triggered person, as they experience being affected by your actions. We all have our own triggers and appreciate how helpful it can be for someone to be in a loving energy of allowing and not be triggered by another trigger. This is “holding space”. By not feeding the fire, we can resolve any anger and evolve into a higher consciousness. During these conflicts, the person holding space can ask “And what else?” and wait and ask again until the other person has been entirely heard. If this process is not done and the issues are not addressed, this episode will surely play itself out again. This changed my life and my relationships. All of them. Whether intimate or family and friends. You don’t need to push against anything or to convince anyone of anything. The person that you think is pushing against you is actually giving you the greatest gift, the gift of your own self-realization.
I agree with Neale Donald Walsh (author of Conversations With God), that at some level of consciousness the purpose of our relationships is to create an opportunity for growth, for full self-expression, for lifting our lives to their highest potential, for healing every false thought or small idea we ever had about ourselves, and for ultimate reunion with God through the communion of our souls. Ok, so this wasn’t always the case as some of my past relationships may attest. But, hopefully, we all grow up and wake up.
EXERCISE: Take a moment with me now and feel that gratitude for each and every love relationship that you’ve ever had…mmm. See the gift in each one. I do. Yes, even that one. Now, feel the peace in knowing the gift that you and I also gave to the other person. Know that, in the same way, you and I were a gift of unfathomable benefit. You and I deserve every bit of love, gratitude and thankfulness for giving what we knew how to give, in the way that was a match for what the other person was attracting.
Several “wayshowers” have taught me about the dynamics of emotions and reactions. Like, “Nobody can make you feel anything”. No one can make you happy, you do that. In those moments, we all have a choice. Thoughts come before emotions. People are just playing the roles in our lives that we have asked them to play. Everyone is another aspect of yourself experiencing life in another way, a way which that individualized soul chose to experience.
Wayshowers and teachers told me to eliminate criticism and sarcasm. To begin with, practice no sarcasm and only honest, uplifting words for three days. Flirting and playfulness is fun and gets the creative juices flowing. Teasing, poking fun and sarcasm are manipulation and control tactics and are a screen to your true feelings. Refrain from sexual innuendo that dominates and puts each other down. Set agreements for your own responsibilities and your intentions for this relationship. Bring up any issues in the moment without reaction. If possible, do not wait for a more appropriate moment. Use “I” statements. No blame game. Both of you get to ask for what you want. When there is a suggestion about an idea, express three things that you like about the idea, express a concern (if you have one) and then make a suggestion. Remember to: Praise. Critique. Praise.
While I was in Sedona, there was this build up of huge life change and spiritual devotion. I could feel my body out of alignment with what I knew was trying to happen. I wanted to have an unwavering focus on my love of God and a commitment to be of service. I started to get a feel for what others must experience when confronted with this ripping open of the heart and longing of the soul. I could feel the frustration with myself and wanted to continue hiding and not give up the amazing relationship and friendship Cara and I cultivated. Because of the previous inner work that we had both separately done before we met, our intimacy had reached high levels of divine expression and connection. The love that we were able to express and share with others had deep impacts on the people around us. I had developed a close bond with her two children. Cara had her own epiphanies and would say “Every breath can be a gift and a rebirth. With every inhale you take, receive the gift from Spirit and with every exhale, offer it to Spirit.” We were both in tears together over the coming loss. We agreed that an amazing, beautiful, fun, fulfilling, honoring, intimate relationship can be a beautiful sidetrack from our own separate divine path. Over the years, I had been informed, by different sources, that a relationship in this time of huge spiritual growth wouldn’t really be the best thing…it didn’t say “don’t”, just “not the best”. I guess I wanted to prove that I still had free will and the fact is that I love relationships. I’m glad I did “buck the system” a bit. Every one of my relationships have been critical to my path and full of love and healing. So, Cara and I decided to see the perfection of the next phase of our lives. There’s a crucial time during a “completion of a phase of a relationship” which we’ve been taught leads to argument and closing down. It’s just “the way it is”. Not so. This paradigm is broken. We have moved to another phase, which includes love, respect, compassion and grace.
If you find that you have come to the end of your relationship, honor this time. You can do this by seeking to understand what part of the relationship is not in the natural path of your joy. This is not a time for blame. Conditions change. People change. Desires change. You may have completed your “spiritual contract” with each other and staying in the relationship will delay further progress on your particular life path. If there are feelings of “you did this to me”, realize your own part in this situation. Do not beat yourself up over it and place more guilt on yourself. Understand the dynamics and heal it to the best of your ability. If you blame others and don’t take ownership for your creation and the very powerful manifestation of the situation, you will continue to see it in other subsequent relationships. Consciously transition from this relationship to a period of deep reflection and inner discovery. A “Disconnection Ceremony” can assist in honoring your partner and to show gratitude for the gifts you both received during the relationship. This ceremony, which celebrates the love that you have shared, is also used to “cut the cords” with grace and allow something greater to come into both of your lives.
While accepting and living this type of life path, there were many times that I asked myself “Why should I create more work for myself, if life is tough enough as it is? Why don’t I just buck-up and live life like I did in the past and like millions of others do?” First of all, I remembered how really unhappy and disempowered I felt. The good news is that, when you do choose a path of awakening, you won’t be experiencing the same burden or living the same life that you did before. You will start to master your life.
What about people who aren’t on a spiritual path or even one that includes self-improvement? They might be filled with deep resentment, anger and angst. How do we deal with them if we don’t normally attract them in our daily lives, but are there when we visit our relatives or attend reunions? Here’s a story that I hope helps to explain working with this scenario.
After flagging down a New York City taxi cab, a woman asked to be taken to Grand Central Station. They were driving in the right-hand lane when, all of a sudden, another car pulled out of a parking space right in front of them. The taxi driver slammed on his brakes, skidded, and missed the other car’s back end by inches! The driver of the other car, the guy who almost caused a big accident, whipped his head around and started yelling at the taxi driver. The taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy in a friendly way. The taxi passenger was still shocked and upset, so she asked, “Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined your car and sent us both to the hospital!” The taxi driver told her “The Law of the Garbage Truck.” Many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it. And if you let them, they’ll dump it on you. When someone wants to dump on you, don’t take it personally. You just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on. There is only one thing that these people desire. Love. Unconditional love.
Some people like to use the term “anger issues”. Anger is a temporary, natural emotion when you have not accepted what IS. Anger can be a motivator towards a course of action. Anger can move you from depression. The man, angry at the taxi driver, hopefully got the anger flushed out of his system. We rarely are aware of what is going on in a stranger’s life. Sometimes, we connect with them just so the emotions can be released. Even an attacker is calling out for help and for love that he or she does not feel he or she deserves. Love the bully and he will transform.
Masters are not ruled or governed by their emotions. As humans, we tend to have two different ways of living with emotions. One way is as a victim of the emotion, allowing it to rule your life and be the cause of great upset. The other way is to push the emotions or traumas down into the depths of your being, usually becoming lodged within your physical body as energy and manifesting as disease, illness and abnormal growths and rashes. When we choose to heal, we are healing lifetimes of trauma. When it comes to healing the body, there is only actually healing in the mind and really not healing, but aligning with truth. As the mind is not limited to just being local, all healing covers all time and space. Admit or be open to further healing. Ninety-nine percent of past trauma may be healed, or aligned. Accept the possibility that one percent may still need to be healed. This does not mean that you have to then start at the beginning.
It is okay to express our emotions. But, remember to be constructive and not get lost in the drama of your emotions. If you find yourself stuck in your emotions, you can say “It is my will that I allow this emotion to express and be released in a healthy and effective way.” We are emotional beings. We emit vibrations related to our emotions when we have emotional episodes or outbursts. This is why after a couple has had an argument, the unsettling feeling in the room can be felt long after they are gone.
During a trip to Utah with a group of psychics and lightworkers, My partner and I had occasion to rent a hotel room. We walked in the room and it felt like a government interrogation office, like all of the life had been sucked out of it. It felt dead. I down-played it with my partner, but the more I tried the more irritated I became with her. She wanted to “sage” the room (wafting burning white sage smoke while performing a short ceremony) and I just became even more upset, not believing in this airy-fairy stuff. Finally, the Lakota-descendant leader of our group walked in, smiled and validated that were was definitely something off about the room. They lit a white sage bundle and I could physically tell that the room shifted and it felt as if it was re-infused with life energy. The next day, as we prepared to leave, we asked the hotel managers about the history of that room which was next to their office. They admitted that a teen, runaway girl had been staying in the room and was later murdered. I learned a huge lesson that day.
If you are upset by someone, you have the choice to start to look at your own involvement in the situation. Why is it that this person caused you to be upset? Would anyone else have become upset? Why did you create this episode? Before we accuse others, first ask yourself “Could I accuse myself of this?” Here’s the dichotomy: things aren’t happening to you. They are just happening. It is your reaction to what is happening that is creating your reality and your suffering. When they are happening, you are involved in it because you have attracted it to yourself.
If you are feeling negative emotions, you are “paddling upstream”. Quit paddling upstream. I know what it feels like to just want to be upset. In that moment, if someone had asked me “Do you want to stay upset?”. I might have said “Yes, right now, I want to be upset!” If you don’t want to stay upset, then let your boat change direction and float downstream towards the natural joy of life. One of the ways that you can get out of the upset is to take a breather and be with your thoughts. Sometimes this works for me when I can honestly listen to the thoughts and see that they don’t really make sense and usually are coming from a damaged ego. If you find yourself in a slump, I have found it helpful to connect with people and serve them.
Remember, you are the creator of your life and you will cause yourself to bring in episodes of life that are for your highest good and greatest evolution towards Oneness and release the illusion of separation between You and All That Is. If you are unhappy, ask yourself what is the cause of the unhappiness. Remember, which came first…the emotion or the thought? Didn’t a thought trigger the emotion?
EXERCISE: Find something to laugh about. You could laugh at the absurdity of trying to find something to laugh about. Do this in public. See what happens to people after they get over their speculation and judgments and join you in your laughter. You will transform their day!
EXERCISE: Breathing & Smiling. While you are experiencing negative emotions, breathe deeply while counting slowly to 5, then count back down during your exhale. After 3 rounds, add a smile to your breathing. Now increase your smile. Notice the negative feelings cannot exist during this exercise.